Maintaining Boundaries
reposted from my company's blog
I've been writing a lot lately. Some folk seem to appreciate it, for which I am grateful. It always feels arrogant on my part to write these, but I made a vow about four years ago; don't say anything about someone that you're not willing to say to them, and work like you don't need the money.
That was a tradeoff; being honest with people can be very hard, but letting people live in fear of what you might really be thinking, especially in a job where imposter syndrome is commonplace, is a special kind of mean spirited, and working without letting fear run my thinking has been pretty liberating. The posts I've been writing here are me holding up that first vow with you, as a collective whole, and not just as individuals.
This piece is a bit different, though; I was actually asked to speak on this subject. I'm not 100% sure I'm qualified, but I'll give it a go.
My prompt was this:
“You're very good at staying within your role, and not letting yourself overcommit. Could you write on how you do that?”
Step 1: Know Your Role and Your Strengths
I tend to joke with people that “some days I don't really know what my job is.” I'd be willing to bet that you feel the same way sometimes. It's normal, and it tends to happen for two reasons:
- What you do overlaps with what other people do, and the lines blur.
- You're hard wired to be helpful.
We don't want to over hire; our company has never laid people off, and that's an incredible accomplishment in decades spanning over tumultuous economic transitions. That has to do with sharp business acumen, no question, and it's also a cultural thing; people who don't have an instinct to help their colleagues don't tend to do well here.
So, jokes aside, I know exactly what I do, because it's framed in my office and I re-read it every now and then. I know what my mission is, and it's never very far from my thoughts.
You should have similar clear definitions on what you're expected to do; read them again if it's been a while.
However, I also know that in addition to the things printed on those mission orders, I have some skills I've acquired over a long career that allow me to do things that, even though not on those mission orders, can still help other people out of the occasional jam.
Step 2: Not My Monkey
My wife introduced me to an article quite a long time ago called “Who's Got The Monkey?” from Harvard Business Review; it's long, so I'll summate it in the way that it's managed to stick with me.
Sometimes when we interact with people, there's a game being played that we might not know we're playing. If you don't know you're playing it, you're probably going to lose at it, and the game goes something like this: Sometimes the person asking me a question has got a monkey on their back. That problem (aka monkey) needs care and feeding, it needs time and attention, and the object of the game for me is not to take ownership of your monkey.
Now, hear this carefully. Sometimes your monkey is really my monkey, and that's one of the questions I'm asking myself while we're playing this game. The last thing I want is to make more monkeys for you; that's what ownership means.
But if he's not my monkey, I'm trying to make sure I don't lose this game we're playing. I have enough monkeys of my own. On the other hand, if I can help you either better understand that monkey, find another home for him, or just get rid of him forever, in an hour or less using those skills that I've built, then I'm going to do it.
If you're adding more monkeys to your own back that aren't yours, you've become the 3VQ Rescuer, and that never ends well.
Step Three: There Is No Step Three
That's pretty much it. Do I overcommit sometimes? Oh yeah, I sure do, and it pains me not to keep my word every single time. I don't do it as often as I used to because I read The Power of a Positive No, and that helped tremendously. That cultural helpfulness can be taken to extremes, and learning how to say No and still win is the best tool that you can add to your arsenal.
